I’m not sure how funny I can be today. Most, if not all, of you know that I struggle with what the medical profession refers to as being overweight.  I tried to find a less technical term but was unsuccessful.  I’m not sure I’ll ever make a doctor happy seeing as how I have to weigh 165 lbs to be “healthy” or have the “correct” body mass index for my 6’4″ big butt frame.  I topped the scales at 315 today.  The last time I weighed 165 lbs I was 14 years old and weighed out of Pop Warner football and had to play in middle school where there was no weight limit.  In fact I think I ate 165 lbs of food the the last time I ate at Golden Corral.  Needless to say I don’t think I am going to see 165 lbs again without contracting a serious stomach virus that lasts 18 months.  But 245-250 is reasonable and achievable.

Problem is I like to eat and I mean I like to eat a lot.  I joke around that my favorite meal is buffet, problem is I am not joking.  Man, ain’t nothing like walking in to Golden Corral, or the Corral as regulars like to call it, and knowing that you don’t have to decide from a menu what you can have this time.  YOU GET TO HAVE IT ALL!!!  YAY FOR ME!!  So anyway all this has caught up to me, back problems, endurance problems, that sort of thing so back in October I joined the YMCA hoping to get back in to pre-marital shape.  Otherwise known as the golden years when you could eat anything you wanted to and not gain weight.  I used to cycle a lot, 100-150 miles a week at a brisk pace and was in top notch form.  But then I got married and all that came to a screeching halt.  I wish I could blame it on the wife but I can’t.  For one thing she reads this blog, and B it really is my fault.

So I start the working out, did the initial weigh in , 310 lbs, got a picture and everything, trust me you don’t want to see it, unless of course you yourself are interested in losing your appetite.  Did the math and 2 lbs a week would put me at 260 right about now.  I was getting up at 5:30 am, swimming every morning, taking those spin classes 3-4 times a week, in addition to riding my bike when the weather permitted.  I stepped on the scale every morning, no progress, well sometimes there was, but we’ll save that for the next paragraph.  6 months later, yesterday morning, 315 lbs, oh yes I am in a great mood ready to put out the humor.

Well old pudge here decides he needs to do a little portion control, because he actually has, at times, been able to lose the weight.  See fellas, when he does eat right, and healthily (new word) I might add, he loses 2 lbs a day.  But guess what he does to celebrate.  Yep, that’s right, Golden Corral!!!  So porky does what he does best when he don’t know nuttin.  He researches.  He lands on Nutrisystem.  AHA! Portion control.  That’s what he needs.  Just send me the food, tell me what to eat and when, and the lbs will roll off.  You’d think that a grown man could do that on his own. So I sign up, it’s even a fairly reasonable price.  And then the food comes.

I now know how I am going to lose weight this month.  They send you 28 days worth of food, 4 weeks for those keeping score at home, and you have to buy some fresh vegetables to go along with it, but it’s still reasonable.  The problem is when you open the box, there’s more box than there is food.  Needless to say after two days on this “diet” there ain’t a whole lot in me now either.  And I am not happy about it, not one bit.  What is really irritating, is for lunch today I had this here cup of cheese noodles and chicken that looks about the size of one of those old timey cup of soup deals.  There can’t be more than 2 mouthfuls of food in this thing.  The directions say, heat, stir, and ENJOY!  Everything that comes from this company has the exclamation of ENJOY! either at the beginning or the ending of a sentence.  ENJOY! a glass of water 156 times a day.  ENJOY! a cup of nutritious vegetables 4 times a day.  Open the packet of this cookie the size of your fingernail and ENJOY!  Decorum dictates that I keep my true feelings about what they can enjoy to myself.  Now I know how that mouse felt when I finally caught him last week and why he was giving me the finger at the end. (See previous post)

Anyway, it’s my fault, I should’ve been more on top of this a long time ago, and now and little pain to go with the gain, or loss, is appropriate I guess.  Still doesn’t put me in a very good mood.  I wouldn’t exactly say I am oozing fruits of the Spirit, but would kill for an apple now that you mention it.


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